If it weren’t for Jesus’ love I’d have no relationship with Him at all. He humbled Himself to come live and fellowship with us on earth, to live the perfect exemplary human life and to suffer sacrificial death for atonement of our sins. Whether I first placed my faith, hope and trust in Him as a 7th grader or a 30 year old professional, for me there was no path to God outside of Jesus’ pursuit.
Born a Memphian in 1973, I was reared in a mixture of both Catholic (father’s side) and Church of Christ (mother’s) environments. It doesn’t take much to detail my spiritual experiences growing up. Going to private school (St. Ann Elementary, Christian Brothers High) and often attending church on Sundays didn't necessarily introduce me to my Savior. As is often the case with people in my and surrounding generations, those things primarily just detailed for me in somewhat legalistic fashion how I was expected to behave. As a result, I became very adept at portraying on the outside a good picture of a morally upright kid while on the inside was laying the foundation for what became my hedonistic approach to life. It is temptation stemming from those habits and lifestyles that I still fight against today. Imagine if I didn't have great parents, a good family and a few awesome friends!
As I referenced, in 7th grade, I prayed earnestly for God to help me through some very difficult social pressures. I recall that desperate prayer occasionally and wonder if at that moment I was saved. However, it was at age 30 I made my first biblically educated commitment to give my life to Jesus and to accept Him as my Savior.
Ironically, a couple of the more difficult challenges in my life can be traced back to that moment in 2001. First, I soon resigned from my stable corporate position in the hopes of entering vocational ministry. To this day (almost 10 years later), feeling fulfilled in my career proves very difficult. Second, I married a girl whose faith appeared secure on the outside but might not have yet blossomed in her heart. I am in no way the judge of anyone's heart, nor could I ever be...nor do I ever want to be. The reality is simply that of our 7 married years, she spent the last 3 wavering between abandonment of our relationship and short-term efforts to reconcile. It appeared God had healed our marriage after the worst offenses (on both sides) had been uncovered and forgiven. Unfortunately, that didn't turn out to be the case. To think of what might've been, to dream of God's vision in that relationship - it's very difficult to say the least. Yes, adversity has found it’s way into my life. But, it’s through the pain that I’ve truly found and become much more intimate with Him.
Whereas I’d previously considered Him only the moral authority and ultimate judge, I now better understand His love and grace. This has helped me confess my sin and diagnose my life’s illnesses en route to identifying who He made me to be and utilizing my spiritual giftedness. He doesn’t leave me on this earth only to bless me with earthly successes, but to mature me in Him and bring others to Him. He has not called me to happiness, but to holiness. This truth helps keep trials, such as career uncertainty, in perspective.
Whereas I’d previously considered Him only the moral authority and ultimate judge, I now better understand His love and grace. This has helped me confess my sin and diagnose my life’s illnesses en route to identifying who He made me to be and utilizing my spiritual giftedness. He doesn’t leave me on this earth only to bless me with earthly successes, but to mature me in Him and bring others to Him. He has not called me to happiness, but to holiness. This truth helps keep trials, such as career uncertainty, in perspective.
God certainly has given and taken in my life, with my marriage as a prime example. In any case, however, I have been lead to see Him more clearly as my provider and more convicted to place my reliance only on Him. This is an amazing blessing, as so many choose to chase things in this world in desperate attempt to replace God and fill the painful void(s) in their hearts with earthly treasures. Don't get me wrong - I was a chaser for years and still fall in battle today. The difference is that my eyes are open to reality - the nature of my heart and allegiance has changed. Therefore, such mistakes do not occur as regular or habitual parts of my life and are in no way an expression of who I am. They are momentary failures directly conflicting with who I've become. And I praise God that He who begun His sanctifying work in me will see my spiritual maturation through to the end when I am complete and lacking nothing.
At any rate, yes...my wife has hurt me deeply over the past several years, but to describe how that has affected my relationship with Jesus in anything less than a novel would be impossible. In summary, I will point out that rather than define my failed marriage in human (cultural, evil) terms, I seek wisdom, understanding, peace and joy from God. I try to model my life after Job, Hosea, Joseph and Paul, examples of imperfect men who did their best to suffer for the Lord despite troubling circumstances and persecution from others.
There is no one who is righteous, which applied to my life means that I had a lot of work to do as a husband. To document my shortcomings would take a 2nd novel undoubtedly. Let me say briefly that I struggle to find joy in a world I know to be broken. This certainly has its negative impact on me and those around me. However, marriage is to be a living example of the relationship between Christ and His Bride. Spouses are to love and forgive unconditionally and seek the welfare of the other over themselves. They are to die to themselves in pursuit of the Lord as well as be discipled by those who will lead them into increasing Christ-likeness. There is much more to be said on what it takes to maintain a wonderful Christian marriage, but at least one final thought is certain. It takes two.
At any rate, yes...my wife has hurt me deeply over the past several years, but to describe how that has affected my relationship with Jesus in anything less than a novel would be impossible. In summary, I will point out that rather than define my failed marriage in human (cultural, evil) terms, I seek wisdom, understanding, peace and joy from God. I try to model my life after Job, Hosea, Joseph and Paul, examples of imperfect men who did their best to suffer for the Lord despite troubling circumstances and persecution from others.
There is no one who is righteous, which applied to my life means that I had a lot of work to do as a husband. To document my shortcomings would take a 2nd novel undoubtedly. Let me say briefly that I struggle to find joy in a world I know to be broken. This certainly has its negative impact on me and those around me. However, marriage is to be a living example of the relationship between Christ and His Bride. Spouses are to love and forgive unconditionally and seek the welfare of the other over themselves. They are to die to themselves in pursuit of the Lord as well as be discipled by those who will lead them into increasing Christ-likeness. There is much more to be said on what it takes to maintain a wonderful Christian marriage, but at least one final thought is certain. It takes two.
It is at this point in my life that I believe roads are converging. Whether I continue my professional career and serve in the priesthood of all believers or make an official move into vocational ministry, the Masters in Christian Studies at Union is an important step for me as I seek to obtain and share a deeper faith with others. Whether I am to be blessed with a loving Godly wife in the future I do not know, but, as difficult as it may be, I choose to accept whatever God is sending my direction. He has plans for my good and His glory. He has plans to prosper me. My aim is simply to walk with Him moment by moment and day by day, so as not to miss His revelations.
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